I went to meet a fellow trans woman this weekend and was reminded why I don’t typically go and meet new people on the prison yard. She was more worried about men than anything else. No goals, no immediate plans, nothing I can relate to.

I’ve noticed this with many of the girls in prison, they get really caught up in flirting and attracting attention from the opposite, and sometimes the same, sex. I’m not with it. At all. I find it a waste of time and energy when our time and energy is so limited.

Some of the girls wonder if I’m capable of love at all because I don’t entertain dating with other inmates. I think of it as self-control, I came to prison because of lack of self-control and poor self-esteem, when you boil things down, and I think of dating other inmates as a form of self-control. First, it just gets us in trouble, second it causes drama that I just don’t have time for anymore, and third (and most important to me) I haven’t found a man in prison who fits the bill of a non-possessive, driven, open-minded, nice person who doesn’t have eons left on his/her sentence. Nobody fits nicely into my life and I don’t mind it.

To be pointed, all I care about right now is getting my mind right, getting myself community ready and preparing for success in college and business and I’ll be damned if some guy is gonna slow me down.
“Whad’ya do today?”
“Who was there?”
“When you comin’ home?”
“why don’t you slow down and take it easy?”

My answer to all of those is:

“All your sh!t is in the box to the left”

For the record, I’m capable of love, I just refuse to waste intimacy on deadbeats or “friends” with zero life goals or drive.

But hey, maybe I’m the freak here…either way, I have zero intention on changing it, and 100% intention on shooting straight to the top. See you there…

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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