I have it stuck in my head that if I help enough people, or have a big enough name, or maybe people think that all the good I have done outweighs the bad…someday. Maybe, just maybe I might be able to look my children in the eye one day. Maybe.
I hate what I have done. My crime. Its despicable and I hate talking about it. The shame it brings is heavy. This, I cannot get around.
When is enough punishment? This is a real question I ask myself every day, “When will your punishment be enough?” I answer every time with “I do not know, now quit feeling sorry for yourself because you lost that right.”
Everything I do, every class I teach, every one on one I do with troubled inmates, every hour I work…it all amounts to “Will this make up for what I have done?” It is kind of empty though because I also know that nothing I do will be good enough, nothing. It will never make up for the past and its eating me alive.
That’s why I am going to change the world. Maybe if I make a big enough impact in the world, if people associate my name with change, maybe then I can be proud of myself and if I can, maybe my kids could be too. Maybe they could forgive me…
I hang on to this because I don’t know what else to do. How else could I prove “I’m sorry”, words are empty and vague. However actions are full of proof and specific.
“How sorry are you Dad?”
“The whole world…”
“Yeah, we heard, everyone knows.”
I hang on to that, as unrealistic as it sounds. As ridiculous as I sound saying “I want to impact the world with immense change and positivity”, you don’t think I know how ridiculous I sound?
I would rather look ridiculous trying to change the world than spend another moment thinking I did nothing to try. Besides, looking ridiculous is far better than shame.