I am not quite a woman. However, I am not exactly a man. Oh sure, I have male anatomy but is that all we are now, genitals? I am not confused about who I am, I know who I am, I am a mixed-gender person. But, in a relationship…well, this is where things get hard to define.

For instance, will a man expect me to be either male or female but not mixed-gendered? I mean for intimacy purposes? How do I explain that I am like fluid and sometimes I’ll be one role but usually prefer the more feminine role. Because of this will it be expected I clean and do dishes? Not get buff, shave my body hair (not a fan anyway), be…what do you want me to be again?

Then there’s women. Women are beautiful and when I think about women it is usually to compare myself to them. How do I measure up? However, this is not strictly the case. I would marry a woman again, only this time she would have to be really comfortable playing a more…”male role” in the bedroom, I think we can all figure out what that means.

I am just being honest here. No need to be coy now, right? That’s what this is about, honest conversations. I think my real internal controversy is over whether or not a partner for me exists? They would have to be mixed-gendered like me and just as explorative and open and fluid and…beautiful, beautifully unique.

Is there a man who is confident enough to let me wear a dress and heels while not feeling emasculated. Is there a woman who is confident enough to love me in public, wearing whatever in the hell I want, and at the same time bending her own gender roles?

I don’t know. I pray to God every night to send me a lover. Maybe that’s why none have shown up, He doesn’t know what to send? I wish I could help him out and narrow it down to a singular gender, at least, instead I just keep giving Him qualities.

“God, please find me a partner, I can’t do it from in here without You. I need someone who is driven, happy, adventurous, nonjudgmental, willing to try and love the world, encouraging, and most of all willing to try. Amen”

With Love
Jeff “Jeffebelle” Utnage
www.lgbtqprisonsupport.com