I do need a love story. Truth be told, I’m terrified of it though. Like, what if I fail in my goals? Or What will my partner do when I feel like maybe I should begin hormone treatment? If I go with a gay man and I become to feminine then I am no longer attractive. If I go with a woman, I would have to find a woman who is willing to play the role of a man in the bedroom, because well, I like being a bottom. I’m such a weirdo Cath, who would want me? Then there’s prison, I mean, I didn’t come to prison for no reason. its one thing to be my friend, its another to introduce me to ones personal friends and family as a lover. 

I feel like its better to just avoid all that. I feel like I’m only good as a prostitute, fulfill some grease balls weird tranny fantasy for a price, be loved for those few minutes, genuinely loved and appreciated and then collect my fee and move on to the next john. I mean how else am I gonna pay for college, rent, food, legal obligations, s/o treatment, hormone therapy? Know what I mean?

For everyone else I put on this face of hope and bravery, and fully believe it for them. But for me…who would actually love me? Not like, in theory, or as a friend, but like actual romantic-partner love?
It feels like I need to reach some “level” of achievement before I have something worthwhile to offer a partner to be attractive enough to compensate for my criminal conviction and lack of “normalcy.” Maybe if I have an MBA with a million dollar job and a thin body with a nice ass and and and…maybe that will be enough Cath? Maybe if I changed the world, what if I raised an army? What if I published cutting edge research? Maybe if I got my PhD? Will that be enough to be lovable then? I just don’t know.

Ugh..I am sooo damaged. 

With Love
Jeff Jeffebelle Utnage