Its a gut feeling, intuition. Some might call it spiritual guidance, God talking to them. Its that small voice inside your head telling you that something is amiss and that you need to be careful. I feel that way about our LGBT community here in prison.

For 8 years I’ve been a champion for the equality cause here in prison and have quite a few accomplishments under my tenure, not all because of me, but I have certainly influenced some part. But right now, all I can think about is avoiding interaction with almost all of them.

I love my friend Renee, a fellow writer, and a few others, but so many are unwilling to explore maturity and self-advocacy that I have become disheartened. Is it because they are lazy or just that beaten down? Its a hard thread to follow and while I have been spending a decade unravelling my own messes, I’m not sure I want to follow theirs anymore. I don’t know.

Some of them are so drama prone that I’m not sure how to hang out with them, we have nothing in common but the labels and those, if I’m being honest, have been holding me back. I’m shooting for CEO-of-the-decade and that she-changed-the-world status, they’re hunting their next toxic relationship. I’m educating myself in the sciences and my crafts (speaking, etc) they’re learning to be better victims…more helpless, more extreme victims. Its strange to watch someone claim extreme victim hood when you watched an entirely different scenario than they claim. Very disheartening.

So, folks, I’m going to lead by example and just chase down my dreams and whoever is there at the end of all that, God bless ’em.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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