It happened again today. I was brushing my hair and when I looked in the mirror I was expecting to see a pretty woman staring back. I felt like it, for a moment. Instead, what was looking back at me was a 35 year old man with a five o’clock shadow.

Usually the thought passes quickly, I am un-bothered by it. However, today was different. I was saddened by my appearance, rather, the lack there of. Today, I didn’t want to see a man in the mirror. I didn’t want to see bad teeth, rigid shoulders and pectoral muscles. Not tonight.

No tonight I wanted to see someone pretty, someone happy. Fun, with a pretty smile who was proud of who they were, despite a sordid past. Tonight, I just wasn’t ready to be Jeff anymore. 

I feel like I’m losing myself in here. Men don’t see me as Jeff, you know. They call me Jeffica, or Princess, or anything feminine. I don’t ask them to, they just do. They scoff at any attempt I make to be masculine, perhaps the reward of acceptance is effective, damn it. I could blame them totally, but I know who I admire…and it has never been a man.

I like smooth, rounded curves as opposed to squared, chiseled features. I don’t want a strong set of arms, I want delicate shoulders with a thin waist. 

Tonight is just one of those nights where it feels like another small piece of the man I used to be just died. Maybe when I leave this place I will be totally unrecognizable? Maybe I could live with myself in peace then, a new…me.

With Love
Jeff Utnage