I’m not going to put my business totally out here but I am going to say I fell in love, hard, and then didn’t act on it and I regret it deeply.

I think about this person a lot and it frustrated me that I couldn’t stop but then suddenly it hit me why I fell so hard- this person seen me. Not the image I portray, but they seen me, the real me. Furthermore, they loved me for it. I was just too stupid and scared to see it let alone accept what was happening. Stupid girl…

Recently I met someone else and I began to develop undercurrents of emotion that I was afraid to keep to myself lest I regret again. So I told this person I was feeling stronger about them than just friends, which was a huge mistake BTW. Their reaction was mature and my telling them was mature, in the moment, but I soon came to realize that while I “seen” them they did not “see” me. Not like the one who got away.

Such a big part of me wants to climb to the top of the Space Needle or the Columbia Tower and shout their name out and make the whole of the Emerald City look for them and obligate them to contact me again, to love me once more because I want to be seen and I want to be seen by them. As it stands I don’t want anyone else to see me like they did, just them.

Maybe that’s bad but I don’t care. That person is the one who got away and I know it. I still love them. It’s a little messy of me to talk about it, I know. But I’m the kind of chick who does what she wants. If you’re looking for a point to this, some lesson, there isn’t. It’s just me talking, venting a little regret and a little hope. Out of 7 billion people on this planet covering 7 continents I met 1 who seen me, in prison. What are the probabilities of that and furthermore, what are the probabilities that they were the only one?

With Love
Ruth Utnage