Internal work (human-hood work)is the hardest. It takes the most courage, to face your most monstrous self and figure out how to slay them. It takes grit and a determined grind to root those flaws within yourself and make changes. Changes that can’t be done overnight or even over a few days. Like a weekend retreat and suddenly you are no longer flawed. No, it doesn’t work like that. It takes years of reflection, literally, years. But it can be done, I know because I have done it.

My crime was one that telling it to others victimizes them, so I don’t. Nobody needs to hear the actions of a selfish human being other than I committed a crime that I am guilty of. I hate what I did. I hate thinking about it, its like having to eat a battery, it burns every second everything it touches and it is a caustic poison that melts through the toughest flesh. But I have that coming, I got that coming.

It has been more than 8 years of steady, constant rehabilitation and reflection for me. I have rooted things out of me that have been difficult to face, like racism. I was raised to fear black men. Other men in my family said things about black men my entire life and inside, I still hear those lies and have to make a concentrated effort to disagree with them. But I do it.

I am a trans woman. The best part about being married to a woman was wearing her clothes when she wasn’t around. That’s hard to admit, but I did it my whole life. I got caught once when I was little, actually I got caught several times. I never stopped, I was told I was a pervert at a young age because of that. More lies I have to combat against, still today, from my youth. Strange what that label will do to a young child’s psyche.

Hard work, change. But I want everyone to know that I am doing it. I no longer think the same way. Things that some assume are temptations for me are not temptations at all. I don’t have to fight strange urges, except maybe the nightly craving for Swiss Rolls, those delicious concoctions get me every time. Funny how my biggest challenge after 8 years of constant work is diet. Welcome to human-hood huh?

Maybe one day, sooner rather than later, I will talk about my life. I read a book called “The Master Plan” by Chris Wilson and got inspired. I think the path of rehabilitation needs to be told. I have what it takes to do just that. 

What do you think? Should I write a book on it?

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With Love
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage

Mail To:
Jeff Utnage (aka Ruth) 823469 D-610-2
P.O. Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272

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Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth A. Utnage)

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