Thirty days of sweating stress, I survived one moment at a time. I worked hard at being small, asking very little, saying next to nothing. I got a porter job in the unit cleaning the showers and mopping the day room. The staff knew about me before I arrived, they asked me how I planned on “Doing my time”. I told them I want to survive and learn how to change my life.
The phone was/is a life saving tool, like an air tank for a deep sea diver. I buckled inside hearing my childrens voice and talking to their mother each time. Their reassurance of love, compassion, along with hearing that they would be coming to visit, produced a super human strength within to stay alive. My amazing family impacted my will to survive as well.
I ultimately surrendered to the possiblity of being killed, beaten, and raped. I knew I had no power or control over what may or may not happen. So I started creating opportunities for positive change, living the Golden rule in a strange land where being good is frowned upon by others, determined to live completely free, looking evil right in the face. Radical acceptance.
I became hyper sensitive of everything beautiful, birds, the brigh green grass, I could even smell the fragrance of the ocean in a gust of wind, my favorite was smelling sap from the deep forest outside the fence in the hot searing summer sun. Writing letters and listening to music was my hide away, a time to escape, a continuous healing process. I spent many hours peering out my tiny window day/night seeking comfort from my view.
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