I hate when I have feelings. The act of emoting bothers me. I do it, because I’m human and it keeps me healthy, but I get rather annoyed by them. If I had it my way I’d be stoic and professional everywhere but with a lover. While this is possible, for me, it is unhealthy, for me.
Learning to accept that I am going to feel things is a hard process for me. I feel childish every time I emote and speak about in person. That’s why I write so often about them here, there is no faces to reflect back to me, it feels safer. You could say I emote here so I don’t have to in real life. I get how ugly that sounds.
I ran into a problem recently with one of my mentees. They are highly flirtatious and very physical. This is okay with me because I am stoic and professional. Until a trigger was discovered by them unknowingly, they hit a nerve with me that leads straight to my heart and kind of opens me up to intimacy, I non verbal cue that I use to tell myself “this person is now safe to be intimate with”. And, no, I will not be revealing it here. But she did this very out of the ordinary thing that sprang my mind into overdrive. So I did what I thought was necessary, I set a boundary.
It was awkward and made me feel childish, the other person felt reprimanded and apologized profusely. By the end of the night I wasn’t sure I could even mentor them anymore. I thought about it until I went to bed. And then again at 2:20 a.m. until 4:00 a.m., and now again at 5. Where I have to reconcile the fact that I’m human.
I feel things. I make mistakes. I act foolishly and, at times, I am a sucker for intimacy and human touch. I’m human. I am also a great leader. I am very good at what I do. I am driven and intelligent. I have more to give someone who is right for me, something that only they get, my fully vulnerable self. Which, is more reflected on here than anywhere else. So, I’m human. Now what?
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Ruth Utnage fka jeff 823469 C-510-2
PO Box 888
Monroe, WA. 98272
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