I want to reintegrate back into society, I want to come home. I don’t feel right whining and sniveling about how hard life was before prison and I don’t see much point in telling you how hard it is, or was, in prison, besides, you wouldn’t understand either anyway. Schizophrenic ex wife being taken care of by her closeted trans husband…absolute recipe for disaster, just like going to prison as a trans woman for a sex offense. Go ahead and speculate.

I no longer care about my past, baby, what’s done is done. If others want to live back there, go on ahead and stay but I got life happening right this second and a future that depends on my attention being astutely present. My number one concern right now is introducing myself, my true and new self, to a world that just doesn’t know what to do with me. Folks don’t know how to reconcile my past with the woman they see in front of them, or how to get over their own judgments when their eyes pass over my words.

I wish I could help you with that…actually, that’s a lie. Truthfully, I’d like to help you just get over it. For yourself change is entirely possible, in fact, you’re so sure of your ability to change that you can point out a hundred things right now that you used to do and think that you no longer do and think, because you changed. The man or woman you are today is not the same man or woman you were 10 years ago. But do you think outside of yourself for others ability to do the same? I wonder. Don’t worry, I can’t see inside of your head and neither can anyone else, for that matter, think how you’d like.

But what if…? What if we could do amazing things together, build a future for our families that changes everything? What if we built a business that creates our retirement and allows us to leave a legacy for our children’s children? What if I worked for you to help you realize that dream? The things we are capable of are so boundless that I wonder why it took me sitting in prison for a decade to see just how much I have to offer. In fact, I hate to admit that my past has become one of my biggest assets, right along with my ability to face dissention, hostility, and pain with a level head.

What if you allowed yourself, for just a few minutes to see that I have value? Not some obscure value, but tangible, I can seriously benefit you and help you accomplish your dreams value because I am so desperate to belong I’ve made your happiness a priority so far above mine that watching you live your dreams is precisely how I can realize mine, it’s how I can be happy for the long haul, my talent.

Don’t be afraid, instead, I hope you’re curious. I hope you’re bold enough to try, I hope you’re independent enough to dare to dream, then, accept a little help doing it. I may be the only one of my kind, but there is one.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)

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