I’ve heard hundreds of times over the years “Your an icy b***h” and “Don’t even bother with her, she’s the Ice Queen”. Truthfully, I didn’t mind that role, it kept the harsh comments away, for the most part and it was effective in protecting me from being hurt anymore, because believe it or not, I have feelings. (shocker, I know).

I truly felt, and still feel to a certain degree, that this disposition of sternness and unapproachability will help me remain focused on my goals, which are lofty but more than achievable, for me. But something happened that made me rethink how I express and receive love.

First I am reading a book titled “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm and he does an excellent job of detailing what exactly love is, not what we’ve been taught, but what it is, as a science, rather, what its supposed to be in practice. Second, I am in treatment which means I can finally unpack some deep seated flaws, one being love. Third, one of my mentees (Renee) expressed that she was “sorry for letting you down, Ruth, I know you don’t tolerate failure.” Then she half expected me to drop her as a mentee and friend.

That last one struck me deep. I have very deep feelings for Renee and my pride in her growth is immense. I love her precisely as she is and I love her because she is, just because she is and nothing more, she exists and that means something to me. I realized right then and there that nobody I love will go another minute without knowing for certain that I deeply love them.

I don’t have phone money or millions of stamps anymore, otherwise I’d spend it all to tell everyone I love them. This will have to do, for now.

To the Mom’s, Aunts, Karen’s, Mary’s, Kims, Sher’s, Lexi’s, Mary Ellen’s, Melissa McKay’s, Dean Miles’s, Leo’s, Rachel’s, Anne’s, Dan’s, Scott’s, Danny’s, Isyss’s, Carter’s, Elayne’s, Dean’s, Gary’s, Adrian’s, Ed’s, Peter’s, Dad’s (Steve’s), Moses’s, Acie’s, Trin’s, Jennifer’s, Christopher’s, Rory’s, Marshall’s, Renee’s, Pam’s, James’s, Ryan’s, and so, so many more…

I love you because you are, simply because you exist I love you. And I won’t make the mistake of leaving it in question again…

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)