I don’t know about other trans-women out there but my concern is always pass ability. It takes a lot of space in my head. I wonder often what others think about my appearance. Then I look at myself in the mirror and make my own judgments.

There is a show on FX Tuesday nights called Pose. It is about the trans community in the late 80’s and early 90’s (so far) and is bringing to the forefront of its viewers minds the struggle and highlights of being a trans or LGB person of color. But, as much as I like the show and applaud everyone on it for their bravery and tenacity (I am sure the hate mail is flooding their lives) I worry about the fact that all of them are passable.

Walk passed any one of them on the street and you would not notice that they are anything other than a beautiful woman. Congrats. But now they are the benchmark of the trans woman, regardless of color. Now everyone knows how beautiful I am not.

Like I said, I’m super proud of all of them for representing us so well. Bringing our communities beauty to mainstream media is extremely difficult and requires one carry a very heavy burden. I guess I’m just a little self-conscious.

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Jeff aka Ruth Utnage

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Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)

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