January 28th, 2017 I had just come back from the prison yard and was in our units communal bathroom washing my hands when three men from the Sureno prison gang assaulted me. Two kept watch while one repeatedly struck in the head and tried to drag me into the showers, for what we will never know.

Why they did it is still a mystery to me. The story changes every time I hear about. What he said as he was striking me in the head was “your gonna go to staff and tell them we didn’t do this”, they had been accused of throwing body excrement in staff food, which they prepared daily. Why they thought I could help with that, I do not know, I suspect they were high…

The following year and a half I experienced lots of trauma. Many nights I woke up screaming and fighting for my life from a nightmare. I had dreams where I released and seen the main attacker stalking me and my loved ones, laughing. Of course, all of this was born from fear. I had been moved to protective custody and would tentatively spend the rest of my time here. Then, two of the people involved showed up here earlier this year.

When the first one arrived he sent messages of apologies and warned me that the main attacker was on his way here as well. You see, the investigation of the fight never went forth so keep separates were never put on. A simple oversight on behalf of DOC. Then, he arrived.

My worst fear came true, the person I feared most was now walking among the crowd of people I must see daily. Within a few weeks he was moved to my living unit, but to a different wing. Then last night he was moved again to the wing I live on. Now he lives four cells down from me.

I had nightmares about this man, cold sweats at 3 O’clock in the morning and panic attacks in crowds of people that resembled him in some way. Knots in my stomach and vomiting everything I ate or drank for days on end. All that and now he lives 20 feet away from where I felt safe. Foolish me, to feel safe in prison.

There is another side to this that hasn’t been lost on me. Read on to part 2 to finish this…

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With Love
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage

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Jeff aka Ruth Utnage 823469 D-610-2
P.O. Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272

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DOC: 823469
Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)