With all the talk of food and my belly growing like I’m a pregnant women in Walmart in a power outage I have been kind of a grumpy cat. Okay, actually I’ve been a real bitch. I am man enough to say it. But I got to thinking about what it is that I really need right now. 

I have gone through every scenario in my head. First I thought maybe I need to focus on getting out in just a little under five years. Then I thought of reaching out to more people, then I thought of dating websites or pen pal websites. 

When none of that seemed to make me feel any type of relief upon planning it I dug into more books, reading nearly a book every two days. But after all this the one thing that I found myself craving the most was gay contact.

And no, not the physical kind. I mean just laughing with people about the things we experience together. Its telling stupid stories about our pasts, like the time I stole Cayenne pepper and a red pen. It goes like this, I used to work at a food factory and it was common practice to steal spices (something I no longer do BECAUSE of this story). So I got a glove full of cayenne pepper and put it in my tighty whitey’s all safe and secure ready to get patted out and go home. 

Feeling pretty good about myself (I was such a heathen!) I went to the bathroom and also found a red pen. So I took the pen and shoved it in my underwear with the glove of cayenne pepper in a hurry. I did not realize that the pen had punctured the glove and my underwear and made a hole that gave the cayenne pepper direct access to my rectum.

So as I am walking to get searched every time I took a step another whaft of cayenne pepper would blow into my hole and as I got more and more in there I had to pretend that nothing was wrong as I stood there getting patted out. 

By this time my hole was on fire! It was red and ugly and I just knew it was going to be awful. But I made it through after some careful questioning because they could obviously smell it. Then I had to walk the long journey home. Which was about 600 feet or so, I mean, have you ever walked 600 feet with cayenne pepper being blown into your butthole? Longest walk EVER! 

Then to make matters worse I finally get home where I cannot take a shower because we are on lockdown now. So I run into the house and strip down to my birthday suit and get the warm water going in our cell sink. Bad idea.
The warm water, as I found out soon enough, opens your pores wider to receive more of the pepper come to find out. So the more I tried to scrub my poor backside with hot water the more it burned. It ended up taking me to the infirmary where they applied cold water and simple hand soap and some looked down their noses as to what in the hell I was doing.

Needless to say, I haven’t stolen anything again because I took it as a punishment from God for my sin. I had just converted to Christianity.

It’s little stories like this that I needed to share and to hear others like it, just to laugh. I still do. When we are depressed and feeling like the whole world is against us the thing our body wants to do is shut down but what we need most is to open wide our hearts and laugh. Just laugh.

I hope to hear your stories soon because I could use a really good laugh! Please, don’t be shy, send me your goofs!

With Love
Jeff Utnage