My viewpoint is beginning to shift slightly. I used to think that when you do well, people like that. Maybe it was a fairytale notion. But something inside me always said “when you accomplish what you set out to do, people will like you more, people like go getters”. 

Unless they are me, apparently. It seems as though the opposite may be true with me. The more I accomplish in prison, the more shade I get. So my viewpoint is changing, like I said. Its changing to “the better you do for yourself, the bigger target you become”. I don’t believe this is prison specific. I think this is universal. Any boss in a large company could tell you this same thing I think.

But this isn’t all a bad thing. Don’t want to put out the idea here that this is a whine session. No, this is going somewhere. I’ve just always had this fear of judgement from people. And the more I do for myself the more I see that those same people I’m trying to get acceptance for are the same people that hate the fact I’m doing positive things. 

You know what they hate even more though? Self acceptance. The more sure of myself I get, the more they passively hate me. Throwing shade. It seems I never see the sun if they’d have it their way. 

But this is where the balance begins to shift for me though, the point. I don’t have to agree with their assessment! I don’t have to live in the shade. I can say “I don’t deserve that!” Because I don’t…

So now my attention shifts to you, you have a choice too. Someone throws out negativity, you don’t have to accept it. You can choose to disagree. Then its settled, literally.

When you read this next sentence say it out loud:

I don’t have to accept the opinions and judgements of other people. I choose positivity today, their offer of negativity is not acceptable because I deserve better.

That’s it. Your worth better, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter what. You deserve better. Believing that is ONLY up to you.

With Love
Jeff Utnage