I remember before I came to prison I would lie awake at night and think about all the lies I was telling and living. Then I would close my eyes and try to think of a better time in the future, instead, all I saw was blackness. I remember thinking about how when I was a child my stepbrother and I were going to join the ARMY, become GI Joe’s, or maybe be radio talk show hosts. The point was I could see it, imagine it then. Then, there I was laying down next to a woman I didn’t love, in a house that wasn’t mine, living a life I didn’t want, lying about everything and all I could imagine was blackness…nothing.
Now, there is nothing left to scrape out of my heart. No more lies, no more unhappiness, no more hurt. Shocker, I can imagine a future again. When I think about what is ahead I think of shoe shopping and jogging at 5 a.m. in downtown Seattle and eating raw almonds because they make me smell like vanilla, which I love the scent of.
I like living in the future, only right now, because I still remember a time, almost a decade ago now, where I had no future at all. I get a second shot at life that everyone can have at any age but only a few come to the realization they can have.
Here is to living in the future, only right now.
By the way, it is worth mentioning this was inspired by a quote from a book I am reading for the UW Book Club titled “Where Things Come Back” by John Corey Whaley. Great read…
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Jeff aka Ruth Utnage
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage 823469 D-610-2
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Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)
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