I cannot shake the feeling that I finally have the right things going for me. I am a 37 year old woman in a men’s prison, that I no doubt put myself in, yet I have never felt more confident about my life’s direction.

I remember before I came to prison I would lie awake at night and think about all the lies I was telling and living. Then I would close my eyes and try to think of a better time in the future, instead, all I saw was blackness. I remember thinking about how when I was a child my stepbrother and I were going to join the ARMY, become GI Joe’s, or maybe be radio talk show hosts. The point was I could see it, imagine it then. Then, there I was laying down next to a woman I didn’t love, in a house that wasn’t mine, living a life I didn’t want, lying about everything and all I could imagine was blackness…nothing.

Now, there is nothing left to scrape out of my heart. No more lies, no more unhappiness, no more hurt. Shocker, I can imagine a future again. When I think about what is ahead I think of shoe shopping and jogging at 5 a.m. in downtown Seattle and eating raw almonds because they make me smell like vanilla, which I love the scent of.

I like living in the future, only right now, because I still remember a time, almost a decade ago now, where I had no future at all. I get a second shot at life that everyone can have at any age but only a few come to the realization they can have.

Here is to living in the future, only right now.

By the way, it is worth mentioning this was inspired by a quote from a book I am reading for the UW Book Club titled “Where Things Come Back” by John Corey Whaley. Great read…

Subscribe, Follow, Interact, Comment and change YOUR community

With Love
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage

Mail To:
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage 823469 D-610-2
P.O. Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272

or email through jpay.com
DOC: 823469
Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)

visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/lgbtqprisonsupport/