I have thought my entire life that because I feel I am broken. I have sought to silence those feelings my entire life, without success. Failure to me was feeling something besides nothing. The quintessential human was stroic and strong and there I was feeling things. I was doing ‘life’ wrong.

I was plain and simply choosing death. Dead people don’t feel. Alive people feel. Sounds so obvious, so simple. Such a simple truth. While I was grasping for the meaning of life within the complexity of academia and religion in the day at night I was choking down my own internal silence. After awhile everything inside of me just went dark. Nothingness.

The internal voice that whispers morality and dreams finally ceased and I knew at that point I was simply waiting for my last hellish breath to leave my body. When it never came I raged against God for suffering me still. What must I do to anger God enough to send me into the afterlife.

Pretty dark stuff…I was like that from the age of 6. Until I chose to feel. When I embraced that I feel and that others feel and that when I feel I am alive… it brings tears to my eyes.

I will love recklessly, and mean it every time. Never regretting that I loved. Never. I will feel pain and sadness and sit and stay with it for as long as needs to exist so that we can share our greatest joys together. I will do life right. I will *feel* life.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

To help support or share in my release, please visit my gofundme created by some unusually wonderful folx in the community at:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-ruth-utnages-reentry-after-prison

Thanks.

With Love

Ruth