There was a time in my life when I was this pathetic tick that latched onto others feelings and emotions. Living vicariously through their happiness, or most often, their misery.

Then I found myself with everything gone and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I had to find myself without the influence of anyone or anything. Just me and my thoughts, I guess prison is really good for that.

When I had a traumatic experience and was moved to another facility for safety reasons I decided that it would be best to lay low and just chill. However, it would seem that fate has other plans.

That is the difference between what you were born to do and what you were wanting to do. If you simply want to do something you can quit it, if you were destined to do something your body won’t let you quit.

I have been unable to sleep and my stomach sours and I can barely hold down food. That is, until I began advocating again. I decided to stop being so open and “out”, just recluse into a corner somewhere and maybe learn to use oil pastels, or maybe write a novel. Maybe just lay in my bed and get skinny, cause I just don’t want to eat.

But my body wouldn’t let me do that. My brain refused to shut down, my body won’t lay still. The noise in my head got so loud that the only thing that calms it down is when I begin mentoring and fighting for my cause of equality in the prison system. When I pick up that torch of freedom and begin enabling others to help me carry it and perhaps pick up their own, then the noise stops. I sleep at night, I can hold down food.

The world seems scary but there comes a time when you have to say to fear “I don’t care what you do to me, but I have to do this”

Start searching for you cause, at some point you will find it and life will suddenly make sense.

With Love

Jeff Utnage