There are many people in prison currently seeking hormone treatment to begin the process of femaledom. Our primary care provider sends us to the psychiatrist who is supposed to determine if we can consent to a life-changing decision such as hormone treatment. Which, I must say is a smart play, if one is thinking tactfully.
You see, inmates have been stripped of our right to consent, only in the past few years (as in last year) have we been given the right to enter into contracts, like book deals or intellectual property rights.
I have to say, how is it I can consent to be culpable for my crime, found stable enough to willingly admit to my crime, ask for treatment, then go seek treatment, willingly sign an agreement that will potentially incarcerate me for decades….the state had no “ethical” concerns for allowing me to consent to that. Yet, when I say I am a woman and need hormones so the drapes match carpet, so to speak, suddenly ethical consent is paramount.
I have much to say on this topic, however, I truly feel that if I divulged anymore I would seriously jeopardize my release date. Truth be told I already feel that I am trading my release possibilities for hormone treatment because of what is being falsified in my medical records.
But hey, how else am I going to look at myself in the mirror? I cannot stand my physical appearance, I hate that I have masculine features and I will do nearly anything to lesson my masculine appearance, including letting a psychiatrist manipulate me for whatever the reason.
I thought the American public wanted prisons to fix the inmate. Make us better so when we release we are safe to the public. Part of that is correcting the instability prior to incarceration. For me, that was coming to terms with who I am (my gender and sexual identity), learning emotional and stress management, finding self-worth, and learning self-discipline…to name a few.
I have to say that it is hard to concentrate when the people who are supposed to be helping you are actively working against you.
The good news is this, I have already seen enough mental health folks in prison who were actually out to help, enough officers who treated me with dignity and humanity, enough authority who were responsible and actually ethical- to get the tools necessary to self-inventory and find the help I need.
I don’t care what others think, what I care about is making sure I leave here healthy and rehabilitated. Rest assured that I am getting the help I need not because of prison, but despite it. But I am getting it, a big portion of that is being happy with me, my physical appearance is intolerable anymore. Once I get on hormones I have done as much as I can until release to transition into the woman that I am.
Until then…I am working hard!
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Jeff aka Ruth Utnage