Coming to terms with not being forgiven when you actually want to is difficult. Let me use my lasso of truth here, it is painful and I do not like it.

I made a huge mistake. I let my mind get clouded to a point where moral ground dissipated into a murky well of disgust. I have no one, no drug, no alcohol to blame. It was me. It was my doing, my fault. No one else’s. I ruined so much…

I have these dreams where I reconcile with my kids. They are grown and unsure of me. In the dream I am more unsure of them. Usually we are sitting down to a meal, around a big oak table. I am just starting to loosen up before the person I hurt walks in. In the dream she just stares at me, with a husband who is furious. She wants answers, everyone does…I want so badly to get up and run like hell, but I do not. 

In the dream I offer no excuses. I get forgiven verbally by her and that hurts the most. I get forgiven by her knowing that it is for closure in her life, not mine. Closure is not deserved.

The dream usually ends here. Sometimes I get beaten, sometimes I just run. Other times it is hugs all around. But never do I feel good about it. I wake up feeling awful every single time.

The fact of the matter is folks, I do not deserve forgiveness. I hope for it. I scream for it out loud in night terrors that happen all to often. I pray to God for it, I yell at myself in my head like a maniac even…nothing eases the pain of knowing I have no excuses for my actions. 

I cannot accept, will not accept, that this had to happen. It was totally avoidable, I was completely able to be helped long before anyone was abused. I know what it took to come out of that. I will spend the rest of my life doing three things: 1) stopping victimization 2) stopping people from going through what I am going through 3) helping the LGBT community be 100% equal and safe everywhere in this country and beyond.

That is the point of all this. All that I do is geared toward this goal. Educating myself (which I have no money for), every letter, every email, every handshake and conversation. I could use a lot of help.

With Love
Jeff Utnage