I live in an environment that many, thankfully, don’t know anything about. I try to link the common demoninaters between the gay world out there and the gay world in here. There are some significant differences though. For instance, a straight man out there may be a femme queen in here just for survival. 

Then there are cultural differences as well. What is considered normal out there is illegal in here. There is also another facet to this little diamond we call life, men.

Men out there are usually just pushy and defiant but rarely violent. Whereas in here, every single man you come across has pushed the threshold of violence and has, at least once, been capable of acting violently on emotion. Which translates to, when you reject someone you had better be careful.

This is the reason that DOC used to suggest that you remain in the closet or quiet at least while you are in prison for your protection because they recognize this. But for some this is nearly impossible. Many LGBT people in prison are not into the muscle building, football touting, rough housing that everyone else is into and we get identified very quickly. Then what happens is it becomes a game to “out” the fag. Then when you are outed you are relentlessly teased which isn’t always just words in prison.

So what happens is we are out of the closet and everyone knows about us. Our sexuality becomes an object of wonder to about 50% of the population. Then people inevitibly want to hook up. Then there is me, the oddity. I do not want to hook up with anyone and even if I did I would never think about it seriously because it is, after all illegal to act gay in prison (because though we are allowed to be “gay” in theory, sex is punishable and so is any relationship they find out about, rendering acting gay, illegal). 

In order for me to release from prison I must parole out, in order for that to happen I have to prove that not only can I control myself but that I can follow the rules, even if I believe them to be wrong or petty. So I abstain. 

But that does’t stop people from flirting with me and trying to “crack the code of the ice queen”. In fact, the opposite is true. I get a little nervous when some of the most dangerous men on the planet express physical interest in me and I have to find ways of gently rejecting them. Something that they do NOT like at all. But I have been successful in doing so for the most part.

I just wonder about the connection between gays out there and gays in here. The population in here is under constant pressure to be femenized and “loose” and I hate it. I wonder if the gay community out there is different now? Is it expected that men out there are also “loose”? I know that the transgender community is pigeon-holed into a dangerous category of highly sexual beings when in fact, they are not. Like me. I have made mistakes in the past but I am far from a highly sexual person and I hate that people perceive me as such based on a label. 

With Love
Jeff Utnage