I am reading this exert that was sent to me titled Conduct Unbecoming: A Transqueer Experience of the Dharma by Shaun Bartone and this sentence stuck out to me:

“When I sit in meditation, I actively deconstruct and dismantle the self that society expects me to be. Meditate and destroy.”

I am thinking about this concept of understanding what expectations I am trying to live up to that aren’t in line with “me” as *I* imagine “me”. This morning I spent another meditation session *connecting* my chakras. Only this time as I finished I was able to emit light. Now, I am thinking how much happier I would be if I was unburdened with societal expectations. How much easier would my energy flow if I lived truly as *me* according to my own expectations? This, I like.

I don’t like being limited by “trans” or lgbt anything. I don’t like that I am seen as queer and that I attempt to wholly identify as queer either. I feel it is limiting and perhaps even delaminating to my togetherness. Just like worrying if I am “too fat”, it distracts from legitimate matters that actually require my attention. What if I didn’t understand the concept of obesity? Like a mist or space, *fat* cannot apply.

What if we administered that concept to a mist or space? Would either change for my acceptance? I think not. They are what they are and I adapt to both. They are both equally unique and don’t conform to any of my expectations and I love them for their identities!! How I want to be just like them, *my own*.

I am *my own* right now and every societal fear I have (or once had) that I shed and leave/left behind I become a little more liberated and free to become the me the Universe intended. I am also free to shed the masks that have been handed to me, other peoples idea of beauty that belies a narrowly navigatable field of land mines known as fears of rejection.

The Universe is beautiful and there is nothing else like it. Nothing can replicate it. Not the cover of Elle or any model, pastor, gym membership, clothing brand, makeup line, working routine, gold medal, number of views, or zeros behind a bank account can ever recreate the beauty of the Universe. I, too, am unrecreatable. There will never be another like me. And you, there will never be another like you. Nothing anyone does can live up to the beauty we have been given.

As a society we value things that are rare and limited. Diamonds, pearls, gems, crypto currencies, stocks and gold. But there is only 1 me. Like Space, I cannot be “adorned” within a necklace or painted like a canvas and displayed for subjugative glances of another’s critique. Like Space, I am above such critique. There is nothing to compare Space to, neither am I comparable to anything else in all of existence forevermore.

I think I’ll spend a lot more time focusing on where my Spirit is leading me and a lot less time focusing on what anyone else *thinks* I should be living up to.

Here’s to real beauty.

With Love
Ruth