I spend a lot of time reading. I research topics, gain knowledge because I feel intellectually inadequate. So I do something about it. I still crave human connection though.

Not many people in prison want to have intellectually stimulating conversations with me, they usually just want to talk long enough to see if I will bone them. I never will so they either sideline themselves or keep trying.

And if I’m being truthful I really miss being able to flirt with someone. I won’t do it in prison because its not fair for the guys around here. I’d just be teasing them into frustration or reminding them of what they cannot have, women. Either way, its not fair for either of us. But it doesn’t mean I don’t crave that deeper intimacy. Conversation, flirting, challenging topics, daydreaming about life with someone.

I no longer care about what gender someone is. I just want that connection.

Ever feel like that? Like you disconnected?

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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