As a kid I heard people close to me talk about when they were kids. Racism was a disease that ran rampant in the rural areas of the Midwest. So I would hear them talk about one single experience with another race and then all of a sudden the whole race was like that. A poor excuse to marginalize is what it was. 

As an adult I have had to shun that mindset of racism and thank God I found a better way. Holding every black man accountable because my uncle got into a fight once with one just doesn’t make much sense, not to me or anyone really.

So here I am and I run into this frequently, only I am not a black man. I am a gay man. Some guy gets raped in prison 30 years ago when in was 4 and I become the Devil queer because this guy still remembers his horrific experience. Not to diminish a traumatic experience, it takes some special care and everyone is different. But I am not the guy who did that and it wasn’t a ‘gay’ thing, it was a ‘predatory’ thing. That was one man out of billions. How do I explained that one? If logic was still present I never would have been hated by the guy in the first place.

Now I have had to adjust my life to accommodate his irrational phobia and as far as he’s concerned he drove the Devil fag away. I have not internalized his beliefs, but his actions got to me. They effected me. This I find irritating.

I want to love everyone. Even some bigoted old man who would rather watch me bleed out then live out and gay. I have no choice but to accept his beliefs as his and do my best to give him his space. Because making him afraid is not an option as far as I’m concerned. Fear got him to where he is emotionally, which is unhealthy. If I want to change the world, and I do, I must love those who hate me. 

Any ideas?

With Love

Jeff Utnage