Violence is fear in action- What comes to mind is how true this is for me personally. I have been the one enacting forms of violence and the one receiving forms of violence. It is strange to think that when it was me being violent I can see my fear clearly, understand it, change it. When I remember the violence enacted on me by others, I can’t imagine what they feared. It gives me a space to soul search, empathy for them.

Fear is an avoidance of sadness- I hate sadness. I wish it far from me and when I experience it I am at my most vulnerable. When I am vulnerable I am most afraid. When I feel…when I feel *anything* that visibly shows I am vulnerable. I was taught to loathe displayed feelings. Nobody ever directly said this, it was shown tacitly. I learned it to feel safe in my environment. I rarely felt safe as a child or teen or adult. Being vulnerable means no safety. When I am afraid, this is when I must practice self-control the most because instead of practicing self-empathy, I used to practice forms of violence.

Sadness is an aversion to loneliness- Loneliness makes me think I need to eat. I despise saying that. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable, like I have no control and therefore very child-like. As a child when I was lonely, which was often and very real, I sated my loneliness through food. I remember the year I put on my weight and became obese, I was 8, in Third grade. By the end of summer I could drink a half gallon milk with an entire Malt-O-Meal bag of cereal and still make 6 eggs to eat at once. Learning to sit with these emotions as an adult has been the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn about emotion. Second only to losing all of my children because of my actions.

Loneliness is the denial of emptiness- This is what happens when nobody you know understands what to do with loneliness. When those who love you are lonely and do not understand how to sit with, accept, and solve their own loneliness- a child will learn it either. As a species we are designed to shun loneliness, we are designed to be in a collective. Even if that collective is with our own mind, body and spirit.

Emptiness is the presence of being- When I learned to spend time with myself I became more self-aware. As I become more self-aware I have a deeper grasp of my presence of being. I exist because here I am. I am here, in this space, in a world that is profoundly impacted by my actions upon and in it.

Presence of being is awakened consciousness- One day I will have aligned my Spirit with my body and my consciousness will be awakened fully. Right now I am a student of my Spirit where my consciousness guides me. Fully awakened consciousness…full acceptance of all that we produce, emotions and all.

With Love
Ruth

The preceding prompts were from a quote by Matt Kahn