Love is something that I hope for often. I hate thinking about it though. It’s like I think to myself that I don’t deserve love. Or perhaps I am not meant for it. It doesn’t change my yearning for it though. I hope for it all the time. I have tried to envision what my idea of love is and sometimes I just draw a blank. Not knowing what it is going to look like.
So I search for it and try to associate characteristics to my ideal mate and so far all I get is a few basic qualities. Non-judgemental, at least not of me anyway. Someone who is motivated to succeed. Whatever our idea of success is. For me success is happy. Happy is what I am after, not money. I associate happiness with all kinds of things, fit body, healthy body, sound mind etc. I want someone who is confident but not cocky, someone who knows that they are not defined by others opinions and aren’t afraid to let it all out and have fun. Someone who can change the atmosphere when they realize it’s not suitable for them. LOL! Does that sound unrealistic?
Yeah, I know. That’s why I hate thinking about it though because those things come up and I can’t see myself with someone who qualifies. I look around me and all I see is projects. No more projects please! I had my share of them in my 11 year marriage…no thank you!
Then there is my past, it is well…awful. I don’t like talking about it, at least some of it. Some of it is very painful, some of it is just plain embarrassing. I don’t mean the kind of embarrassment that you get when your buddy depants you in public, no I mean the kind of embarrassment that is really shame…and for good reason. Who could ever love me? I mean truly, I get rejected for mere friendship, staff and inmates alike just flat out disdain me, if not for my charges then for my sexuality. If they look past those then it’s confusing to me.
Yup, love is something that I want very much, I hope for it. I pray for it and get angry with God for not answering me. I get angry when another year passes and I still have no one. But these guys that use women, do the homohustle (guys who aren’t gay but use gay men to get money and materials in prison) these guys that are wannabe pimps and just generally bad men they get people who love them all the time. Yet they have no intentions of treating them with any dignity or respect or loving them back. Here I am just hoping for someone to give me a second look.
This all sounds so pouty and pity-partiesh and I hate that too. I don’t like feeling sorry for myself and refuse to do it for very long. Now that it’s over I can think again finally. Like this elusive love is out of my mind temporarily and now I can start my day. Silly I know…
I want to give my life to someone. You can’t do that wholly when you are feeling sorry for yourself. So this is me getting back up, this is me fighting onward and upward. Despite the odds I am going to keep my faith. I am not going to blame God, it’s not His fault. He will provide whatever I need, if that means that I get no one…then I guess Jesus is my Husband!
I will keep my spirits and my head held high. I don’t care what others think about my past. I can’t change it, I can and have changed myself for the better.
Jeff Utnage 823469