Medical Treatment In A Bad Place: A Humorous Approach

Oh boy, this is gonna be embarrassing. But for my own entertainment I am going to talk about medical issues and my way of fixing them. 
My whole life I used the ER as a primary care physician, not really knowing what a primary care doctor really was. When I became an adult my children had one but when I needed care it usually resulted in me going to the ER for treatment. Having said that I would go for every little thing, get some pain killers and an answer for my emotional misery and an excuse to feel sorry for myself and then I would drive home. Coming to prison I was set for a second back surgery and a good excuse to lay on my bunk in depression.
Then I lost a bunch of weight, got healthy and this weird thing happened, I realized that I didn’t want anything to do with medical. Not because I am filled with indignation, but because now that I know my body I have an accute sense of when something is truly wrong. 
For instance, the last time I seen medical it was becuase I was running a fever and hallucinating. I had been seeing hallucinations for 2 1/2 days before I declared a medical emergency. Come to find out I had an infection that went septic. (I was shaving my undercarraige and nicked myself about a week prior and it turned into something awful, right next to my hole…not good).
That, my friends, was a horrible experience one that I don’t ever want to repeat. So now, I do everything possible to stay away from the doctors. Besides, in here they don’t treat you unless it’s life threatening. For isntance, if you have a hernia, they won’t do surgery on it because they say it’s “cosmetic”. I beg to differ, my guts are trying to escape through my nuts and my sack is the size of a football…not really cosmetic in my eyes. Their solution, give me a sling to place them in…ah, how cute.
Ok, it’s not there yet, but I do have a hernia that is very very low. Low enough that the lower intestines are putitng pressure on my something that has to do with my testicles because it always feels like I have been kicked in the nuts. I have tried some home remedies but the only thing that seems to work to help relieve pain is when I have nothing in my lower intestines. So I have been doing things to clean myself out. Which brings me to this morning.
I have been up all night peeing out my backside. I drank milk of magnesia yesterday and apparently I have drank too much because now I am completely evacuated. On the good side I am clear and clean inside, on the bad side, whenever I get off the toilet I immediately need to get back on it and let the squirting commence! So I have decided that screw this business, I need to see medical to get this crap fixed. My guts are sticking out of my pelvis and I don’t like it, I have learned that I am currently at risk for losing my testicles…not sure how or why, but that is what people are telling me. Needless to say I am freaked out. Kind of a scary thought to think that I might end up losing my boys you know. Not ok with that, I am attached to them, we go way back and I want to keep them. Were buddies you know…LOL! 
So wish me luck because there is a class action started through Columbia Legal Services against Washington DOC Medical for refusing to treat hernias. I hope that I don’t have to do that to get treatment…but here goes nothing.

Hope you got a laugh…

Jeff Utnage