Ready For Love?
What are you ready for? Me personally I am ready for many things. The one that is on my mind the most? Love… I don’t know why or how, but that is the topic that frequents my thoughts. I imagine what it will be like to finally be in love with another man. Finally be able to express my feelings openly and unashamedly.
I sit on my bunk and think about my future lover and what we’ll do and the places we’ll go and the things we’ll say to one another. Then I think about my current circumstances and the hope kinda fades, well, not kinda, it does fade. I hate that.
What kind of relationship can be developed in a prison visitation room? Can it be healthy? I want to try. I think about planting a big ole’ kiss on my imaginary boyfriend in front of everyone in the visit room like straight couples do. I know that when people do that everyone glances and then goes back to their conversations. When I do it think about what they’ll say when two men do it. Will staff intervene? I imagine so. What if my lover is transgender? Will they let her in dressed how she wants? Will they make her dress as a man as her body’s sexual organs? I think about this and the outage already builds to protect the pride of someone who isn’t even real, and I get upset about a situation that doesn’t even exist.
I have no idea if I will be able to date while I am in prison. I sincerely hope so. Only time will tell. I can tell you one thing though, I have taken the time to inventory the problems that brought me to this place and have taken the time to individually fix/repair the problems until my whole thought process has changed.
I hope that is enough to counter my past. What must I do to prove my worth? What must be done on my end to prove that I am no longer that man that brought me here? Can anyone tell me? Will I ever be anything different than the monster in anyone’s eyes? I think about it often. This monster wants to love someone and I want to love the completely and honestly. Maybe my love is just to much right now. Maybe I am married to Jesus and He wants me all to himself? LOL!
that’s my thoughts…
Jeff Utnage 823469
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520
Write any time
Ready For Love?