40 Days and 40 Nights
Time in the wilderness is my thought process for the day. Biblically the people that God used the most were those that were sinners, those that had done bad things. Moses committed murder, David too. Of course, that’s not the rule, just a few examples. But one thing that most of them had in common was societal separation. God set them aside to get all other distractions gone. Then once they got their minds right, He sent them forward into society again to do His will.
I am not going to say I am in that group. But I will treat it as if that was me. I will use this time to connect with God and what His will is for my life. While I do that, I get lots of resistance. Both from my flesh and my peers. I used to really hate it when those who were Christians around me would challenge my faith. My fellow peers. I write to tell anyone who is in the LGBTQ community this: They don’t matter. Our walk with Jesus is personal and unique. Each one of us has been dealt a set of circumstances and when we view the world we have no choice but to view it through the lenses that the Good Lord gave us. For me, those circumstances are homosexuality. When I watch tv I am looking at it from a gay mans perspective, when I listen to music or do my hair or get dressed or look for friends my sexuality comes into play with everyone of those decisions and circumstances. Likewise, you too. It isn’t limited to just our sexuality, that doesn’t define us totally, but it is a big part our mentality. We don’t think any differently then those around us who are straight. But don’t get it twisted, when I see a man my thoughts are different about him then my straight counterpart…are they not?
So when we have a personal relationship with Jesus or God or whatever your God’s name is, we have to talk to Him through our eyes, through our lenses. That’s the beautiful part about this “time in the wilderness” He walks with us, He talks with us, He chooses to love us He meets us right where we are and then leads us to a place where we can connect with Him completely and totally.
I once had a dream that I went on a 30 day fast, no food, no water. The reason for this fast was to get one million saved souls. One million converts. In my dream there was this website that they would/could go to to sign there name and I wouldn’t eat until one million people got saved. I remember in my dream I was near death, but happy. I was happy that God was using me for something…anything.
That is what I love about my faith. I am not garbage. I hated myself years ago and I still hate that man. I love the man that I am today but it is always a constant fear that no one will ever recognize the man that I am. Only the man that I was, the fearful man who is worthy to be hated, selfish and self-serving. The man that I have become today is a stark contrast. I like the idea that God did that in my life. He transformed me. He took me by the hand when I was alone and thrown away. It’s like he stepped down from heaved and said “I know what to do with you, you are not garbage, you still have a use”. That feeling is one that I love and cherish. The feeling of, I didn’t have to live the way I was and I had a choice. I choose to live morally now, because it’s what I want to do. That’s a choice I didn’t know I had, sounds unreasonable, but very true.
I love you all, anyone who is out there, anyone who is in here. I am trying so hard to be a good brother to you. I want to be a brother to you that is useful, unselfish and loving. I hope that I find my family.
Jeff Utnage 823469
40 Days and 40 Nights