Music Playing: Unashamed
When I was teenager I ran with a little group of friends. We raised some hell and got into tons of trouble…you know, the things that normal teens do nowadays. Drugs, smashed windows and made our parents look terrible.
Right about that time the Backstreet Boys had a song that I secretly just adored, “Bye Bye Bye” I actually sang it all the time in my head and whenever it came on the radio I would listen to it until my buddies caught me and then I would play it off like I was just channel surfing. I know it was silly, but that was the way it was. I now run around prison singing it loudly and I am always tickled whenever I hear someone else sing it and then shoot me a look of terror as if to say “oh no, does that mean I’m gay too?” LOL! I love it!
There are some times that the stigmas irritate me and then there are some days that the stigmas give me room to have some fun. I love the fact that I can sashay around the tier and sing ridiculous songs and wink and its completely acceptable. Sometimes doing that can bring attention from individuals that are predatory and then the fun is over, but you learn how to deal with them and let them know that they are out of pocket. These are the same guys that see a woman running in yoga pants or a tank top and then legitimately think that they want to preyed upon. I hear it in here all the time “if they didn’t want that attention they wouldn’t dress like that”. It couldn’t be because they want to feel pretty or anything. It couldn’t be because they want to be comfortable and they want to feel good…no not that! Crazy talk!
So I hear the Backstreet Boys and other songs like Girls Just Want To Have Fun and I watch movies that have classic lines over and over again. It’s not that I am cliche, but I don’t have a problem with it. Perhaps I can spend some time having fun finally. Maybe I could live free all the time, never giving a rip about what others think. That’s my perfect world, freedom to sing aloud and swish my hips and put on make-up and put glitter in places it doesn’t belong and experiment with blushes and eye shadow. Why? Because it makes me feel beautiful. I have never been able to express myself like that freely and now that I feel healthy mentally, I feel like I want to be able to express like a proud gay man.
Not allowing that to come out of me led me here undoubtedly. I would have rather have been in here for the worst crime imaginable then to admit I was gay, I would have rather have explored any other option sexually then have sex with another man. I entertained EVERY other sexual option, both acceptable and unacceptable. thus, why I’m here. So when I figured that the world hated me anyway, and by world I mean everyone I know. I just figured, screw it, I may as well come out. The only worse thing then a man like me was a man like me who was gay. A queer, a fag, a homo is worse then any man in prison…
I am so glad I am beyond that, I am so glad that I am free from that bondage and thought line…I don’t even think the way that I used too. Sex for me is fantastically satisfying and I am only happy sexually when it’s between me and another MAN. Can’t wait to get out folks, can’t wait…
Music Playing: Unashamed