I have had to re-answer this question for myself so many times over the years. I am what? Its used to be a negative answer, or one I was ashamed of at least. Recently its been “I am…whatever, you figure it out.”
I have seen my negativity and it bothers me. Its counterproductive and doesn’t allow for a positive outcome. So I will answer this question again, but for today. Today, I am a Christian. Unapologetically.
Yeah, Christians really bother me. I mean, really get my nerves quaking. Yeah, their ridicule has left me without a big loving Christian network to depend on. But there are some who understand that my walk with God is my walk with God. Theirs is theirs.
I can/have been very hard on them for their intolerance and a big part of me wants to continue in that until I hurt emotionally and “win” whatever battle it is I’m fighting. The flaw in my plan? They are not the enemy. I am not my own avenger. In my faith in my belief, God says “vengeance is Mine”. Meaning that only God is allowed to repay evil. Not me, not you. I have been so foolish in my ranting and inner anger that I have nearly lost sight in this place. My fight is against intolerance and darkness.
This morning I repented for my actions and I have many flaws that are in my life. I confessed and now I have to get to work. I am flawed. But beautifully crafted and loved and so are you. You too were beautifully crafted and I want you to know and believe that we are never ‘to far gone’ and that everyone makes mistakes. My most recent was pride, so we confess to God, ask for help and then move on. That doesn’t make you look weak or helpless. Some laugh at people who answer to something unseen, like God. But on the contrary, for me, proof has already been supplied of His existence. Your proof may be different, your need more complex or desire unfulfilled. But for me, the burden of proof was on God and He delivered. I am not ashamed of that, nor will I ever be. So yeah, I am a Christian. I have many brothers and sisters, millions in fact. We are individually imperfect but together as a whole we are the Body Of Christ and need one another to function. I pray I don’t lose sight of that ever again. God help me, Amen.
Just because I follow God doesn’t mean I am not still gay. I am still very gay and have no plans of changing that. Although last night I did have a dream I was falling in love with a women, albeit a women I have never met. I remember she was 100% accepting of me and the attraction was strong, but she was a rebel and was trying to have physical contact with me in places that were hardly appropriate. Perhaps last night I had to much chunky peanut butter. anyway, my point is this, I don’t have to not be gay to follow God or become something different to be loved by Him. He loves me right now and I want to honor that with good decisions. Like not cussing, which is hard for me, and not talking crap about every one of His judgmental children. So I am real, of something I can’t be. I can be a better person and that is what I’m doing.
Jeff Utnage 823469
H3 B 120 U
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine way
Aberdeen, WA 98520
As always, feel free to write.