When Can I Move On? Part 1
I have done awful things. Things which I don’t want to talk about. I want to protect the remaining dignity of the victim and myself. However my dignity is not important but theirs is, that’s my opinion. Recently I was sent into a tailspin. I imagine a caged lion seeing a person for the first time and going berserk, that’s the way I have felt all night. Not anger, but immense confusion. How should I feel? Let me explain myself.
I have no contact with the victim in my case ( I really hate the word victim, I wish I could use the first name…but to protect identity I will use victim, but let it be known I feel its somewhat politically incorrect). Nor will I ever initiate first, second or third party contact, not now or ever. I won’t violate trust again. But in talking to a friend who was in prison with me recently he informed me that the victim in my case reached out to him to learn about my rehabilitation and the process and if its possible.
When he told me this I began to cry. I am so mad at myself for ever doing what I did. I hate myself for it. I hate the fact that the victim has to go through this and there is nothing I can do to fix it, to make it better, to make amends. I had my chance as a father, as a human being. I failed. In both.
The problem is I fear the forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. What’s even scarier is I might actually get it and then where will I be? Jesus, I don’t deserve it. I want to be forgiven, but I am scared. Which I don’t have the right to be scared.
I have spent the last five years looking inside myself and finding what was wrong with me. Not just me, a whole team of people. Mothers, friends, counselors, bosses, PA’S, Psychologists, pastors and most of all God. I had a whole laundry list of issues to work out and painfully, one by one we worked them out. My sexuality was among them. I was so determined to ignore and suppress my homosexuality that I was willing to do anything to convince myself I wasn’t gay. I was in a toxic relationship where I was both husband and caretaker to a schizophrenic who was undiagnosed. I thought I just made her so angry all the time. My stress levels were intense and all I could do was immerse myself in my hiding hole. Eventually, some really dark things came to fruition. I am so sorry for all of it. I wish I could change so many things…
I am trying so hard not to waste my life. I am doing everything I can to make sure that when its required of me to give an answer for my actions I have one and that its been fixed. I want to prove that I am a good person. I don’t want to be chained to that one decision. I want to move on from it.
I have to send this in 2 posts, so this is the end of part one as I think I’m nearing the end of my 100 lines of text I can send at once