I have just 38 days until I release from prison. Part of me just wants to leave and maybe spend some time scraping this place out of me. Another part of me wants to take everyone I love here with me. No matter how I feel I just want to go home, wherever that is now.

I’ve had friends leave this place and something happens when most inmates leave prison that makes them want to forget everything prison, including loved ones still inside. I am afraid of doing that. I know what that feels like to be ghosted and I don’t want to do that to the people I’ve been supported by. So I’m making plans to work around my own need to distance.

The place I’m releasing too has some restrictions I have to abide by that feel a little excessive. It’s a house run by former inmates and Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Friere comes to mind, the oppressed becoming the harsher oppressor to prove their equality. But, it’s my only choice because I’m transgendered and have a sex offense. Literally, my only choice. Feels a lot like going from one prison to another and having to say thank you for it. My rebuttal to myself, right now, is that I’m going to cook a lot for my housemates, make them all chubby. Maybe Mother them a bit, drive them nuts so they’ll make it a point to loosen the reigns enough to at least let me work, I’m not allowed to have a job for the firs 30 days, WTF?!?!?!? So, I’ll feed them, day and night. I’m gonna wear clothes that make me feel pretty, do my hair and makeup, work out and cook for them day and night. I don’t know why that makes me feel better, but it does.

I will probably do some sort of daily diary about release because it causes so many emotions inside of me, I think I just need the release.

Here’s one for everyone, there are staff here I feel a sense of mourning over because it is them I’m losing in releasing from prison and in a lot of ways it isn’t fair. We aren’t suppose to want contact with prison staff after release and some have effective been royal assholes to warrant that, but others have been, in a lot of ways, angels to me. People I’ve looked up to because they’re strong, willing to be vulnerable and trusting, humans in a place that tries to bureaucracize the human out of us and them. That makes them rogue, being human. I’m a little rogue too.

With Love
Ruth Utnage