And Just Like That…The Noise Stopped   by    Ruth Utnage

I’ve been waiting to get HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for a very long time. As time ticked by and obstacle after obstacle had to be overcome with seemingly impossible odds, the noise of life seemed to get louder and louder. Every time a week went by and I was still not receiving hormones it was like a volume knob inside my head got turned up another notch. Every girl in here that requested HRT after me but received them with ease, another notch.

It was unbearable. I couldn’t concentrate on anything anymore. All I could hear was the screaming for help inside my head, the ringing of thousands of hours of wishing and looking in the mirror imagining I looked more feminine, the lies I was telling myself as to why I took so long- was it God? Fate? Me?

I have been having trouble writing, laughing, talking to my friends even. The noise was so loud it consumed my reasoning and rationale, albeit it took 5 years to get there, but the last two weeks have left me on real shaky ground.

Then, tonight, 3-18-2020, I was called down to medical and received the best news I could have gotten “Your medication is here, we’re giving it to you tonight”

And just like that…

The noise stopped.

I even felt the need to whisper “Thank you”. The world around me was so calm, peaceful and quiet. I could feel my toes again, my back stopped hurting, my headache went away, the sun shone a little brighter- hell, I noticed that the sun was out.

Sweet, sweet victory.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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