An Eating Disorder     by    Ruth Utnage

I thought about naming this My Eating Disorder but am conflicted about owning it or not. I was told recently that I need to be treated for an eating disorder and in my opinion that disorder is I eat too much, I need better self-control. If that were what my therapist wanted to treat me for I’d be much less inclined to write about it. But that’s not the case.

As a trans woman I get real conflicted and kind of defensive about how my body looks and how it doesn’t, yet. For instance, I am 5′ 8″ tall and as a woman I am not within my BMI range. Nor am I within it if I was a man. In fact, as it stands I am 180 pounds and as a 5’8″ tall woman I am officially and medically “obese”. As a man I am “overweight” neither of which is healthy.

Before we start going off about the BMI being wrong and all that nonsense, let me remind you that medical professionals worldwide can change that number at any given point and report a standard weight that is healthier. Yet, they choose not too. This tells me that it is still relevant and a standard to be measured against. And for me, that standard says I am an obese woman or an overweight man. Either way, I dislike my weight.

I work out, quite a bit. I am, admittedly, in good shape. But my body doesn’t look good to me. I have lost 130 pounds and my skin is loose around my belly, which gives a look I don’t like and my solution is to lose more weight, maybe another 30 pounds or so. People say I’m crazy and its my one irrational spot. I disagree. Medical science disagrees too, at least that BMI agrees.

So I am going to get treated for an eating disorder and I am scared. There, I said it. I’m scared of that.

I’m going to listen to my therapists advice and follow her instructions like a tedious watchmaker assembling a priceless timepiece. But inside I am terrified that what I am going to have to accept is to be obese.

Transgendered AND fat.


You know where my heads at, I just said so above.

Any advice?

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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