Sporks     by    Ruth Utnage

Sporks…not quite forks, not spoons.

Spork tines are just for looks. You cannot poke a pea with a spork and bring it to your mouth to consume. No. No, instead it has such a big tine it, with such a wide wedge, that it crushes the pea or splits it in two. Peas hate sporks.

Death to sporks.

Lest I should be considered a hybrid utensil Nazi, sporks do allow one to eat less…because it’s freaking IMPOSSIBLE to eat an entire meal with one. Stupid sporks.

When I get I’m going to start a campaign against sporks. Run for president, of the Anti Spork Coalition of course, on the premise that no spoon or fork should ever be made to feel outdated because of the bully, the tyrant, the dictatorship that is the spork empire.

The next time you’re at KFC and those inconsiderate, spork, promoting, anti fork and spoon…no, ruiners of all that is traditional, people attempt to hand you a spork to enjoy your luscious, creamy mashed potatoes, dark brown gravy, wonderful slaw, and decadent Mac and Cheese…you hand that devilish, utensil impostering, food destroyer back to them and tell them that you’re a goddamn American citizen and we don’t settle for sporks.

God dislikes sporks…it’s in the bible, maybe the 12 or 13th commandment under the book of nonsense.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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“A real humanist can be identified more by his trust in the people, which engages him in their struggle, then by a thousand actions in their favor without that trust.” (“Pedagogy of the Oppressed” by Paulo Freire )