Mysticism or Therapy?     by     Ruth Utnage

I am big on dreams. Not any dream but dreams that are vivid, tied to an emotional response and remembered I will always document and seek interpretation. I cannot explain where they come from, why they’re so detailed. Many times there are people I’ve never met in them. My most recent was last night, one of my teeth were being pulled…

It’s not the dream itself that fascinates me or lends credibility to my mind, its that it seems to come from nowhere, it’s unexplainable to me. Sure, we could incorporate terms about our corpus collosum transferring data between hemispheres and the prefrontal cortex’s synaptic responses interacting with our hippocampus and limbic system to process information and those are the images it used to file the days report away. I’ve read all about that…it makes no more sense and has no more proof than saying one is receiving divine messages from God Himself. It’s mystical…

This should make you laugh, one of my therapists is mystical to me. Imagine that, I’m in therapy… shocker right? Well, I am in prison. You do the math. Bad stuff led me here but it doesn’t mean I have to leave that way, so I chose to get help, proudly. Anyway, one of the two therapists I see hit a nerve with me, she found a trigger that makes me break down in tears, for days. It breaks me and the mystical part is, I don’t recall exactly what she did. No, all I remember is that it had something to do with feeling unheard as a child. Beyond that, it’s a mystery to me. I can tell you that ten days ago that session took place and five days later I was still very emotional and have had to seek refuge in my friends. All I can think about is how terrified I am of that woman, what mysticism is this that a person can say something and I break? Sorceress! What else explains such madness?

I continue to go because in truth, all joking aside, I have come a long way from the person I once was. You can bet that when I walk out of here I am a changed person, for the better and it’s because so many people, like the Sorceress, decided to have compassion for me and root out the foundational problems that shaped my decision making so negatively.

It’s hard as hell, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, for sure. But when this phase is over… I’ll be forever enchanted by this change. Whether it’s sorcery or true therapy or a fortune cookies message, I’m glad it exists.

I’ll see you at the top or I’ll spot you in the crowd looking up at me. Either way, feel free to reach out, I’m here.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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To contact me you must be a humanist…

“A real humanist can be identified more by his trust in the people, which engages him in their struggle, then by a thousand actions in their favor without that trust.” (“Pedagogy of the Oppressed” by Paulo Freire )