College: Deserving?     by     Ruth Utnage

The dream of going to the University of Washington has gotten me through some tense moments while incarcerated. When it felt like I had nothing to live for, no more reason to carry on beyond this place sometimes all I knew how to hang onto was my hopes and dreams. Get my Masters and with any fortune at all, earn me PhD.

Suddenly I feel very small next to those words.

What if I can’t afford it?
What if I’m not acceptable?
What if I’m not smart enough?

I am caught in the whirlwind of reasons why I could feel very stupid.

Money seems to be reason enough to give up, I owe thousands of dollars to courts in order to drive again, remnants of a life I turned around a decade ago still haunting me, reminding me that I was once impossibly irresponsible. Then there’s the cost of living, I don’t even know what that is…rent, a few thousand a month? If I go to a bad neighborhood for cheaper rent as a trans woman I am not entirely sure I’ll survive, the odds aren’t good. My ‘kind’ doesn’t seem to be wanted anywhere.

I don’t know. I’m proceeding as if I’m meant to go to UW, but inside my stomach is acting out like a pack of restless monkeys is inside of it.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

Feel free to contact me, a little human contact is always welcome

Jeff aka Ruth Utnage 823469 C-601-2
PO Box 888
Monroe, WA. 98272