Thursday, March 4, 2021

Prison Ho by Ruth Utnage

Imagine something for me, please. Imagine that you are trapped on an island with hundreds of other people. Only everyone else on that island is the opposite gender or the gender you are attracted to. Not only that, but most are your 'ideal' type. If that is athletic men or women, they are all that. Now, let's complicate things. Let's say you've been there for years, and the way off that island is to be abstinent. No sex. For 10 1/2 years.

Could you do it?

Before you say yes, understand that those other people have nothing better to do but figure you out. When you're weak, when you're strong. Your every need is anticipated, they spend months, years chiseling at your armor. You're so beautiful. You're so fine. You're more handsome than anyone else, built perfectly. Your curves are bangin'. You're all that all the time. Because there's only one of you, you are now the trophy to be hunted. All day, all night they pursue, expert at tracking specifically you and your desires because they have years of trial and error to work with. In your work. Home. When you shower or relieve yourself. When your tired. On your way to call your Mom or loved one. When you hurt. Happy. Depressed. Enraged. Joyous. When you're weak...especially when you are weak.

For 10 1/2 years.

Now, could you do it?

I have. It's more than challenging or an inconvenient part of my day, it hurts. It would be so easy to just give in to being human. To fill needs that most humans have. To be close to other humans. There are so many people in here that are attractive to me that are equally attracted to me, it's hard not to be a ho. To be blunt.

There are so many reasons to not be a ho. Mostly, my freedom and my own sense of morality. I want to do more than scratch an itch I want to finish healing a wound. But boy, is that not easy. Because there are some fiiiiiiiiine people up in this place. Smart, funny, humble, social, popular, ambitious, talented, caring, forgiving...for all intents and purposes- my ideal partners. And sometimes my hormones don't help. Ladies, remember puberty? Remember when sudden urges arose? A scent would trigger a response deep within you. Yeah...well, I'm going through that in my late 30's in a mostly male prison. I'm one of a few women these men have "access" to...for a decade. Many for the first time in a decade or longer. It's like a feeding frenzy starts and it's all on me to make sure I hold strong because those intense feelings, that are 100% normal, can cost me my freedom.

Here's to being strong. (I hope!)

To support my release, please visit my gofundme that a special person put together:

With Love

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