Tuesday, December 1, 2020

The One That Got Away by Ruth Utnage

I'm not going to put my business totally out here but I am going to say I fell in love, hard, and then didn't act on it and I regret it deeply.

I think about this person a lot and it frustrated me that I couldn't stop but then suddenly it hit me why I fell so hard- this person seen me. Not the image I portray, but they seen me, the real me. Furthermore, they loved me for it. I was just too stupid and scared to see it let alone accept what was happening. Stupid girl...

Recently I met someone else and I began to develop undercurrents of emotion that I was afraid to keep to myself lest I regret again. So I told this person I was feeling stronger about them than just friends, which was a huge mistake BTW. Their reaction was mature and my telling them was mature, in the moment, but I soon came to realize that while I "seen" them they did not "see" me. Not like the one who got away.

Such a big part of me wants to climb to the top of the Space Needle or the Columbia Tower and shout their name out and make the whole of the Emerald City look for them and obligate them to contact me again, to love me once more because I want to be seen and I want to be seen by them. As it stands I don't want anyone else to see me like they did, just them.

Maybe that's bad but I don't care. That person is the one who got away and I know it. I still love them. It's a little messy of me to talk about it, I know. But I'm the kind of chick who does what she wants. If you're looking for a point to this, some lesson, there isn't. It's just me talking, venting a little regret and a little hope. Out of 7 billion people on this planet covering 7 continents I met 1 who seen me, in prison. What are the probabilities of that and furthermore, what are the probabilities that they were the only one?

With Love
Ruth Utnage


2 comments:

  1. “Being seen” ... it’s everything. I’ve never been incarcerated, so I don’t know what it’s like to be vulnerable in a place like that. But I hope you allow people to know you as much as you can. It’s one of the things that make this shirt life worth living. I enjoyed your writing and will check back for more. I’m not sure if you like to read, but one of the most fantastic and addictive books I’ve ever read about “being seen” is Wuthering Heights. It’s about imperfect people, rough people, spoiled people, who are all capable of loving and being loved.

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  2. And finding that ONE person who understands you and knows you aren’t all good nor all bad, and loves you anyways. I like the image of you shouting from the top of Space Needle to find your person. Heathcliff, in Wuthering Heights, would absolutely have done the same thing if he lived in present day Seattle and not 1800’s England. I hope you read it.

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