"Ruth," he began, his fingers interlocked on the table between us "I'm just gonna put it out there and we'll have to deal with it, maybe it's not fair but I think about you all the time, I love you. I wake up early and that time is Ruth time, I pray and read and think of Ruth, you""How does that feel?" I replied, trying to buy some time so I could think, he must be mistaken, wrong, he doesn't love me, he only thinks he does because a cis-woman isn't around.
He went on to boldly tell me his feelings and expressed that he hoped it didn't negatively impact our friendship. I went on to tell him he only felt that way because he didn't have access to real women and that once he was out he would come to his senses and forget all about me and thank me for holding him back.
I truly felt that way. I was honest with him, he maybe didn't realize that at the time but I was being totally transparent with how I felt. That emotions in prison are inflated to larger-than-they-truly-are sizes and once he's back in reality he will be glad he's there. That conversation took place 6 months or more before he released and went home. Before he left I was a royal b***h to him, just to make sure I wouldn't miss him. Then you know what he did?
He did everything he said he was going to do. He contacted everyone he said he would and then some. I felt foolish and realized that I was in love with him and my therapist even told me that I should leap in faith, see what happens. So I did and of course he rejected me. It wasn't a flat out "no" but it was the next best thing "I need to think about things" or whatever he said, it wasn't yes, that's all I knew. So I did what any rational minded woman in my position does. I told him to remove himself from my contact list. Which he did.
Now here's the funny thing, I didn't want that. What I wanted was for him to say "stop that" but instead he just did as I requested. Now here I am 6 months later and my body, mind, and soul is still not over him. I think about him every single day and every morning when I wake up I think of Ruth time. He said after he released he just got up like normal now when I asked him if he still had Ruth's morning time, that's not what I wanted to hear, I wanted him to say "Yeah, of course I still do that" but instead he stubbornly denied it, like it was never a big deal.
That left my decision pretty easy, I was right, the man was never in love with me, I was just his only option. That sucks. Or I just hurt him enough he finally realized I was flawed.
The part that gets me in this little confession is that if the man got ahold of me today and said "I want to try and work things out" I'd jump all in.
I have published some amazing things, done some amazing feats, led amazing people and teams but I am still missing one thing, an amazing partner.
I want that. I'm ready to let someone in finally. I'm healed and ready for that.