I've noticed something odd in myself lately and I've gone on a quest for self discovery about it. Recently, I've had an old friend come back into my life, I've gained a friend by way of penpal, and I've had the chance to interact more meaningfully with a family member of one of the dearest people I know from here, all by telephone. The conversations are wildly invigorating, because it's been a long time since I've put real time into real world conversations and that's were I noticed a glitch in my system... I over talk them on the phone. I seemingly cut them off on accident, then just continue, because I'm a shotgun of information for the twenty minute window we're allowed for the call. I vomit my life in chunks and catch myself feeling guilty when I step on their responses...Why is this such an odd thing to me? Why do I do it? Part of it is because in here, with my friends that I can have longer conversations with, I ask a ton of questions to encourage more information from them. I ask because I want to hear every element in the way they think of something. But, we have time. In the course of asking, I don't need them to think anything of me other than I care about what they have to say. I ask and listen with every fiber in me, however long they need to answer. But for some reason, I step on the folks in the phone conversations because, as I work to develop an outside support network of more people, I need them to understand that I'm worth knowing. I'm attempting to prove myself through shot gunned information about my life and the way I live in here. I will give you everything at the expense of your response in an effort to establish a more perfect bond. It sounds crazy as I write this...
I know they don't need me to prove anything, but for some reason, it's a strange desperation. What if they don't think I'm doing enough, or what if I'm not engaging enough...? What if they think...? What could they think...? Jesus, it's exhausting. I guess I still associate the phone with some level of trauma of being emotionally discarded by the outside world. If I've talked to you on the phone recently and I didn't let you get a word in edgewise, I'm sorry. More importantly, to the very few that might answer, I love you beyond words and I'll work on it because I owe it to you. What you say is infinitely important to me...
by Rory Andes
Never take freedom for granted. People break in strange ways in here...
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