Friday, November 20, 2020

Proving Myself... by Rory Andes

I've noticed something odd in myself lately and I've gone on a quest for self discovery about it. Recently, I've had an old friend come back into my life, I've gained a friend by way of penpal, and I've had the chance to interact more meaningfully with a family member of one of the dearest people I know from here, all by telephone. The conversations are wildly invigorating, because it's been a long time since I've put real time into real world conversations and that's were I noticed a glitch in my system... I over talk them on the phone. I seemingly cut them off on accident, then just continue, because I'm a shotgun of information for the twenty minute window we're allowed for the call. I vomit my life in chunks and catch myself feeling guilty when I step on their responses...

Why is this such an odd thing to me? Why do I do it? Part of it is because in here, with my friends that I can have longer conversations with, I ask a ton of questions to encourage more information from them. I ask because I want to hear every element in the way they think of something. But, we have time. In the course of asking, I don't need them to think anything of me other than I care about what they have to say. I ask and listen with every fiber in me, however long they need to answer. But for some reason, I step on the folks in the phone conversations because, as I work to develop an outside support network of more people, I need them to understand that I'm worth knowing. I'm attempting to prove myself through shot gunned information about my life and the way I live in here. I will give you everything at the expense of your response in an effort to establish a more perfect bond. It sounds crazy as I write this...

I know they don't need me to prove anything, but for some reason, it's a strange desperation. What if they don't think I'm doing enough, or what if I'm not engaging enough...? What if they think...? What could they think...? Jesus, it's exhausting. I guess I still associate the phone with some level of trauma of being emotionally discarded by the outside world. If I've talked to you on the phone recently and I didn't let you get a word in edgewise, I'm sorry. More importantly, to the very few that might answer, I love you beyond words and I'll work on it because I owe it to you. What you say is infinitely important to me...

by Rory Andes

Never take freedom for granted. People break in strange ways in here...

Email at using Rory Andes 367649

Or by Mail:
Rory Andes 367649
PO Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272

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