Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Every Single Day, by Devin McCrary

Wake up, roll over, stretch.
Probably groan a bit.
Take my pulse.
Brush my teeth, wash my face.
Consult my to-do list.
Visualize my day.

Decide to change my life.

I've added only one thing to my morning routine since my arrest, but it is the most important--It is changing my life.

Although I can point to a single day--perhaps even a single hour--when I decided to change the way I live my life, I firmly believe that that decision means nothing--absolutely, precisely nothing--unless I continue to make the same decision every single day.

Human beings are creatures of habit, and no matter my somewhat lofty opinion of myself and my desire to be a remarkable human being, I still have to accept and work within my quintessential human qualities.

This means I am fallible. This means I sometimes make poor decisions--sometimes catastrophically so. This means I am subject to impulses and desires and, most of all, my own imperfect history.

This also means I am capable of learning and growth and change. Of love and connection and compassion.

This means that if I recognize the necessity of changing my most fundamental flawed habits and thought patterns, and work to change them, I can affect every aspect of my life.

Because only by looking inward and finding the flaws--large and small--and working to fix them can I establish a deeper foundation. And only by establishing a deeper, firmer foundation can I build myself up to new heights and keep reaching higher.

So every day I wake up and decide to change my life.

There have been days when I procrastinate. A lot of them. There are days when I put aside homework because I am frustrated or distracted or simply restless. There have been days when I skip a run to watch something on TV--more than I really want to admit (though amusingly it's usually to watch running on). There have been days when I eat everything in sight and lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself.

But yesterday's failure will not become today's failure, because I am capable of change. I am capable of doing better, just as you are.

In twenty-one months I will get out and be a part of the community again. I don't know for sure yet where I'll go when I'm out--as soon as I get my Judgment and Sentence modified so that it's not unlawful I will have no restrictions and will be able to go anywhere--but I will be a part of the community, and I don't want to let anyone down again. I don't want to disappoint anyone or hurt anyone.

So every single day, I wake up and decide to change my life.

Those words have meaning to me. They have become a mantra of sorts. Every single day.

Because every step in the journey is important. Is vital. Will have lasting, potentially life-altering implications.

Because I am not done--what I've done so far is not enough, cannot be enough. I will never wake up having achieved everything I want. I will never wake up with nothing left to give.

I will never wake up to a perfect world--a world I cannot continue to contribute to.

But that's okay, as long as I do what I can.

That's fantastic, actually, because it means I will always be able to find fulfillment. To find a way to empower others to be fully-functional, self-actualized human beings. To watch those I love and cry over broken hearts, laugh over bad jokes, and love over mended bridges.

Because that's what I'm all about: love and connection and those essential human emotions.

So every day I wake up and decide to change my life.

Every single day.

With love, Devin McCrary

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