Saturday, September 28, 2019

Attempts At Vulnerability, Why Is This So Difficult? by Ruth Utnage

I have tried to expand my network for years. Get mentors, coaches, or champions...whatever you may call the people who have knowledge you don't. I want more friends outside of prison, maybe even a partner. But I just don't seem to possess the communication skills. I have been asking what's wrong with me for years but all I get is how great I am. Which is annoying because the totality of my accomplishments and "greatness" amounts to a great decade in prison, which nets me precisely zilch in community support.

The one common factor in all my attempts at outreach is me. Which means I have the deficiency, no problem, I can address problems within me, in fact, I strive to root out internal problems. I have to know what that problem is because I was looking, and hard, but unable to spot the precise problem. I heard some see me as stuck up, too perfect, a real leader, closed off, too smart, highly intelligent and prudish. And what I considered was being slightly dumber, inarticulate, loose, and talkative. Maybe that will net me community support, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

But then I realize my problem is vulnerability. I keep myself well-protected emotionally and closed off. Talking about my past is not an issue unless you want me to talk about my experiences pre-marriage, that's always been an off-limits subject. Being vulnerable about my childhood and my thoughts and experiences as an adult...let's try something new.

With Love
Ruth Utnage

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Mail To:
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage 823469 D-610-2
MCC-TRU
P.O. Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272

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DOC: 823469
Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)

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