Thursday, July 4, 2019

Teach Me Vulnerability by Ruth Utnage

Vulnerability: admitting faults in public, telling people you need something, complaints. Right?

I have a large network of people whom I am not very close with. I don't have anyone I can just call and we can chat about the mundane. I need that, but if you ask me why I need that, well, that's where I have trouble because I am being asked to be vulnerable. I'm being asked to reveal what makes me hurt. That's hard...

I feel invisible in prison. It's like when you see some glint of light that appears seemingly out of nowhere and you think it was a ghostly orb or a strange sunlight refraction or maybe an eye malfunction. But really, it was me. I'm waving and trying to interact but I am not recognized, I am invisible, not even human.

I have this need to be recognizable. Don't confuse this statement for a desire to be famous. I'm talking about a friend. Someone to tell me about the mundane. To laugh with, no expectations, just someone who is legitimately happy I exist and I am happy they exist and we can talk, be vulnerable.

I don't have that and I feel so empty. I exist in a world of 8 billion people and I don't have one I can call as a friend outside of prison. Inside prison I am a light on a hill, a beacon.

I am lighting as many other lights as I can, so I don't feel so lonely, and why not, why not light other peoples lights? They deserve to be seen.

Vulnerability... what a tragic need. Yet, it is necessary to be a complete human. So there, I am being vulnerable. The question is, will any of you dare to be vulnerable with me?

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With Love
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage

Mail To:
Jeff aka Ruth Utnage 823469 D-610-2
MCC-TRU
P.O. Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272

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DOC: 823469
Name: Utnage, Jeff (though I am legally Ruth)

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