Monday, June 3, 2019

The locusts ate my math homework.. and other biblical excuses. PART THREE by Christopher Havens

Deep in the science lab at Eden University, precisely at the time congruent to 23.5 modulo12, a band of primates type random keys on typewriters in an attempt of producing the fabled lost proof of Fermat's last theorem. Monkey number 3 pelts monkey number 1 with a fresh supply of skat. A common enough occurrence, except for the lone particle that sails past mapping its fate to the annals of Eden. At approximately 62 kilometers per hour the escape velocity is reached. A musical "ping" marks the completed journey of a partially dried poo piece with just enough force to toggle the latch on the agriculture class project, an experiment to breed toothless locusts which dissolve into droplets of high grade fertilizer at the ends of their life cycles. Hundreds of thousands of locusts were released into the open room, quickly finding their way to the nearest open window. Monkey number 41 angrily throws a stack of his finished paper.. the cover sheet titled: Gone With the Wind.

The early morning sun through a stained glass window did nothing to mark today from any other day. At the time congruent to 7 modulo 12, Eve watched Adam while she scratched at what looked to be a droplet of ink from her shirt, behind a growing stack of books. Adam reflected on his latest lesson in curves, and the last of the 34 remaining students clambered into their desks.

Meanwhile... chaos reigned in the Eden University Department of Mathematics while the coordinator of the primate experiment, Professor A. Wiles, waved stacks of neatly typed papers above his head and spoke excitedly. After seven long years of seclusion, the monkeys in the science lab had finally struck on a tune. Monkey number 5 had randomly typed a series of four lectures consisting of the solution to Fermat's Last Theorem. Unfortunately, in one of the lectures, several rows of illegible keystrokes, along with residual particles of skat, left a gap in the argument.

As Hardy entered the room, his mood seemed exigent. The math anxiety persisted, but to a lesser degree. Today a ray of hope was in each of the students as they conveyed to the professor how a band of locusts, hell bent on terrorizing the city, had fed on their overdue assignments. And oh.. how they left viscous drops of goo.. undoubtedly the ink from their very assignments! And so...


...several hours later, long after the last of the students' minds broke, the work persisted. The only conscious bodies in the classroom were Eve, Adam, and Professor Hardy himself. A vibrational hum filled every crack of space time. Bolts previously used for mounting shook from the walls. Hardy stood in the middle of gale force mathematics. ..His clothes being torn as complex numbers were violently sucked into rational functions.. Julia sets formed. Cantor bouquets swam in the vision of Adam as he struggled to pull himself away from a pole. He was nearly a victim of another trapdoor. EVE!! I WAS WRONG ALL ALONG! WE USED THE WRONG RATIONAL FUNCTION! THE WHOLE ARGUMENT WILL IMPLODE! little droplets of blood form at the corners of Hardy eyes. DO YOU HEAR ME??? IT'S GOING TO IMPLODE! A zero in a denominator shoots poles like a harpoon gun, tearing through the flesh of Adam. Eve pulls Adam away from another deadly pole... The wind throws her, falling prostrate onto the ground. Her nose bleeds. She turns her head and her face shows cold calculation mixed with mild amusement. The noise in the classroom is deafening. As Adam crawls hand over knee to reach Hardy, hoping to cast the theorem of special pleading, the air begins to burn in infrared. Eve calls upon the third isomorphism theorem.. her lips speak silence, and infinitely beautiful continued fractions coalesce around her forming a protective barrier. Matter begins to slow and change its trajectory. The Complex numbers and operation that threatened the lives of the classroom form a one-to-one correspondence with a completely different structure. ...Injectivity. Eve's hair dances in static. ...Surjectivity. A glow surrounds her body. ...A bijection. From the very fabric of reality itself, Eve begins to pull at an unseen force. There is no ground under her feet. A new structure becomes more defined. Her body arches as she pulls. I SEE IT! EVE! YOU MUST SHOW THAT THE HOMOMORPHISM PROPERTY HOLDS! Adam begins a corollary, but it's premature. He fears for her. Anticipating her next move, Hardy prepares a set of integers. Finally, she gasps and falls to her knees. Her hands clutching the modular group. Adam moves to her side, realizing that an isomorphism was established. Eve has done it. The gap in the argument was fixed. Eve had completed the proof of Fermat's Last Theorem.

To be continued... 

Christopher Havens
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