Saturday, June 1, 2019

The locusts ate my math homework.. and other biblical excuses. PART ONE by Christopher Havens

On the first day, Professor G.H. Hardy said... LET THERE BE MATH HOMEWORK. And so there was. But the students said.. "but how cometh must we exert on such heavy demands?". Professor Hardy gave a baleful grin. and said I AM THAT I AM... THAT'S WHY! And so, the students despondently shuffled uniformly at random, out of the class. As the stragglers shuffled out, a rather twitchy fellow was sweating.. blisters were forming. Hardy says. WHO ARE YOU, MY DISCIPLE, AND WHY ARE YOU SO TROUBLED? "I am called Adam" he said, "for I have yet to be learned in symbols." I SEE said Hardy. I WILL ASSIGN YOU A TUTOR. EVE!!! COME FORTH! YOU WILL PAIR WITH ADAM. GO YE TO THE GARDEN AND TEACH HIM MANY THINGS. FOR YOU SHALL GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY SO THAT HE MAY BE LEARNED IN SYMBOLS! From behind a pile of books emerges a whispy girl who came to stand in front of Adam. By an Eve covered in ink stains, and hair disheveled, Adam was led to the garden at Eden University, and he noticed that his shakes were subsiding... suddenly the thought of multiplication didn't seem quite so bad.

Meanwhile, at precisely the time congruent to 15 modulo 12, a battle commenced on the lawn of the Royal Society Pub and grill, Just across from E.U. . Professor Hardy's pupils were gathered around, lost in trance while a young fellow named Newton and a gent named Liebniz fought over who invented the arm wrestling match. Both Newton and Liebniz shouted, claiming that they were the FIRST! Liebniz spat in the eye of Newton.. "My invention is the derivative of ye tug of war!" "Lies!" Newton hissed! "My invention was integral to ye tug of war, and because of my use of fluxions, it has become wrestling of arms!". As one of Hardy's students gasped, Liebniz's attention diverted. Just then, Newton kicked a clump of dirt in a parabolic arc, but before gravity sucked it back down, it exploded in the face of an unsuspecting Liebniz. "Treachery! Deceit! Your foul play has a limit which does not exist!" As fellows from the Royal Society Pub began pouring out, Liebniz sighed and stomped away. "Ye cannot call it wrestling of arms.. Ye just can not... blasted fluxions!"

When the commotion was passed, and as time flew by, some students went home, some returned to their rooms at the Hilbert Hotel, and some enjoyed the amenities that that the evening had to offer. ..Adam and Eve were lost in the garden of Eden and at the time congruent to 19 modulo 12, Professor Hardy sat on a bench pondering the number on his cab up as it pulled up to take him away. ...And what a strange number it was. Rather Inane if you ask me.

To be continued

By Christopher Havens
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