24/7 no sleeping, pure unrest, I was the enemy. These inmate's kicked my cell walls over and over none stop, yelling, screaming things I could never repeat. I had offended these prisoners by assaulting their gang leader. It made no difference that what I did was an accident, they kept trying to rip the door off the track and brutally attack me. It would quiet down at times, that's when they whispered through the vents, things like, we're going to cave your head in and fill your mouth with shit.
Every moment, each frame of mind, I had no clue what was going to happen next. With both hands pressed hard plugging my ears, tears dripping to the ground, it became clear. This was all a direct result of my thoughts and actions. I created this very reality. I went from having the darkest outlook, thick, cold and callous, to ultimate surrender. I mean completely naked. Broken in a zillon pieces. Screaming I WANT TO LIVE over and over till I lost my voice and threw up.
Absolute transformation. I went from dying in a tomb, to becoming brand new inside a womb. Learning mental fortitude, believing I can change. I started planning for the future. I wrote many letters to my family expressing my current situation. " Dear loved one's, if I don't make it, I want you to know I feel the gravity of my poor choices, that I aim to succeed in making things right". Repeatedly telling myself "I will survive, I will survive" out loud.
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