Sunday, August 19, 2018

The Great Beetle Battle by Jeff Utnage

I woke up this morning and there it was, the great beetle. He stood poised and ready to attack with his long antennae and six nimble legs.

I narrowly escaped his grip of death by jumping off my bunk and arming myself with a toothbrush and toothpaste...and an impudent eye, of course. The great beetle navigated the window glass by my bed expertly, displaying his prowess.

I had the advantage all along though, did this beetle not know that I was the Great Homo-Huntress! I, I am the mighty brusher of teeth and comber of hair and can spit toothpaste in a steady stream like a water jet and huck my comb of death with the accuracy of a ninja.

I slowly rolled some toilet paper into thine palm, edged slowly to the bed and began the heady ascent to the crest of Mt. Prison Bunk, armed with my fresh breath, battle arrayed bun, and hefty wad of toilet paper destruction. The Great Beetle poised to attack and jumped at me with his giant talons of death!

I let out my mighty battle cry and searched valiantly for the tiny foe, in my cellies pile of blankets. The massive, man-eating beetle surprised me by throwing the fleece covers at me with a great force, I dodged the crafty maneuver, barely escaping with my life.

Then, as any good Great Homo-Huntress would do, I dove on the formidable stinker and trapped him in my toilet paper of destruction.

With the powerful being in my clutches I felt him chewing through the material and I ran as fast as possible to the only thing strong enough to defeat the Great Beetle, a toilet. I scrambled to the edge of the porcelain throne and sacrificed the Great Beetle to its flush of agony and sent the warrior to his proper burial, the prison sewer system.

The world is a safer place now, thanks to the quality training of hair brushers everywhere and those with the breath of freshness.

Your welcome...

With Love
Jeff "Jeffebelle" Utnage
www.lgbtqprisonsupport.com 

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